Shanazz's Xanga

I'm Officially Done

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:18:48 GMT

Okay, so the Lord answered my prayers and hurried the situation along. I'm done with him. Come to find out, he has a girlfriend. No, he didn't tell me and no, I didn't find out on my own. My homegirl was on his FB page and saw that shit. So I texted him like, "So, in a relationship? Hmm, must be nice." And he's like "yep", all nonchalant and shit. So I proceed to cuss his ass out through text because I was at work. And then he's like "I thought you knew that. My fault, I apologize." So I'm like "If I knew that, I wouldn't be fucking you. I don't get down like that. And I don't Facebook stalk. Someone else told me." So I guess that's the impetus I needed to not talk to or see him anymore. Now I have a solid reason, and while I'm pissed off, I'm happy. It's weird because I've been trying to push him away from me for so long, but I always gave in. Thank you, Jesus. Like, as mad as I am, I am soooooo relieved and so happy. Just cutting him off without a valid reason wasn't going to work for me. Now that I have that reason, I feel a lot better. Deleted him out my phone, deleted him from FB, now I have no freaking reason to talk to him. What can I say? It was good while it lasted (and boy, was it good *wink*). But I was telling one of my homeboys about it and he was like, "He's gonna come back. It's just up to you to say no and keep it that way." I feel like he's absolutely right. He was like, "Give it a few months and dude will call you or text you. You just gotta ignore it." We had been messing around for over a year. It's not like we just started chilling or anything like that. I won't say we have history or anything like that, but in a way we kind of do. When you have sex with a person for that long, whether you're in relationship or not, you're gonna have some sort of feelings for that person. I don't give a damn. He can sit there all day, shout to the Lord and scream until the cows come home: he had feelings for me. And unfortunately, as this blog shows, I had feelings for him. I feel like it's gonna take me a while to get over it, but I will eventually. Outta sight, outta mind. Ain't that how the saying goes? Like, it was hard to get over him while we were still texting/calling each other, but when you don't talk to that person for a long time, that shit subsides eventually. Obviously he didn't care about me enough to be honest with me, so I could give a shit about him now. When I found out, I was to the point where I didn't care if he walked into oncoming traffic or some shit like that, real talk. I know that's not right but when you mad, you mad. But I'm cool now. Talking it out with my friends and thinking about it has done me good, I guess. All I can say is I'm glad he's in another state because if he was still living here, he would've gotten fucked up. And that's real. I was telling one of my friends that when I get really mad, it ain't pretty. It's prety terrible, actually. I probably would've busted out his windows or something like that. I'm just upset that he couldn't be honest with me about it, you know? I let him know when I had a boyfriend and we stopped talking and fooling around when I was in that relationship. But he couldn't have been man enough to tell me? Like, what the fuck? You cheated on your girlfriend with me. I don't even know how long they've been together, but I just feel bad for ol girl. Like damn, homie. You're dude cheated on you with me. I could FB her and tell her, but A) I'm not one for drama and B) I don't wanna be the person in the middle. I AM classy, I'll give myself that, lol. I just don't like being lied to. As far as my pet peeves, aside from people being tardy, people not returning texts/calls and people staring at me, a liar is quite high on the list. He lied by omission, but IT'S STILL FUCKING LYING. Man, I am TOO good for this. God has blessed me many times over, and I don't freaking deserve to be treated like this. I'm awesome, cute, I have 2 degrees, my own car and crib...AND a full-time well-paying job...AND I'm trying to go to law school! But in the end, I also let myself be treated this way. So yes, it's my fault. I'm woman enough to admit that. Never too prideful to admit when I'm wrong. I guess that's it, though. I guess that's the last hurrah. Til next time...DEUCES.

I Dont Even Know...

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 00:23:45 GMT

I don't even know what to feel. I guess that's a lie. I know what I want to feel, but I don't reall know how to get there is a better way of putting it. So...Mr. FWB came back to town this weekend, since it was his alma mater's Homecoming. He told me 2 weeks ago that he'd be here, and I guess it didn't really hit me. He asked me if I was excited to see him, and, being the smart ass that I am, I said no. But as time dwindled, I did sort of get excited. After all, I hadn't seen him in 3 months and hadn't necessarily gotten the closure I was looking for. So we saw each other Thursday, after my tossing and turning and studying and mocha-drinking left me restless. We chilled or whatnot, chatted, watched some TV and headed to bed. He ended up sleeping over til about noon the next day, which was cool with me. What I'm trying to say, in short, is that I'd like to be done with him. I feel like I'm in one of those situations where I wish I'd never gotten involved with him, wish I'd never MET him in a way. Had I not, I wouldn't be on this emotional roller coaster I'm on now. Since he moved away, it's like I think about him nonstop, I yearn to see him, I compare dudes I meet to him...and I'm tired of it. I let it slide at first, thinking it was alright for me to be like that because he did kind of mean something to me. But he's been gone for months, I've seen him, I feel like I've gotten my closure and now I want my mind to be done with him. I want to NOT want him. There we go! That's it right there. And it's funny because I tell myself how much I don't want to be with him and how I'd never be with him if he asked me. See, this entire post goes back to the one I had about "FWBs" and how they never work. And I'm still a firm believer that they don't work. I'm still trying to figure out what it is that he has. I'm sure there's someone out there who looks better (he's gorgeous, however), who has a better personality (he's silly, sarcastic and can hold intellectual conversations like me, btw) and who has this, that and the third over him. But...I've yet to find that combo. Whatever it is that he has has got my mind in some sort of euphoric state. And every time I think of the fact that he's 12 hrs away, I still get sad. When he doesn't immediately return my texts, I get agitated. When he does text, I'm giddy. I'm a staunch believer in "whatever's meant to be, will be" and I'm begging God to like, hurry it up with this situation. I feel like I'm no closer to being over him than I was say, 3 months ago. It's like, as soon as I'm at the edge of being indifferent about him, it starts back at Level One like fucking clockwork. I'm getting to the point where eventually I'm going to get involved with someone else, meet the man of my "dreams" and get married...and still think about his ass. That's my biggest fear. One thing I don't want is for me to think of him as "the one who got away" until the day I die. Maybe my ex was right when he called me "stupid" for going back to him. I guess the heart (or body) wants what it wants...

I Am SO Done w/ Wooden Roller Coasters

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 00:45:59 GMT

I went to the DMV area this weekend for one of my homegirl's birthdays. We spent the night in Maryland, visited Virginia and partied it up in D.C. (Love and Lounge 201 to be exact). The next day (which was yesterday), we headed to Kings Dominion to end our trip. Kings Dominion probably has more roller coasters than any amusement park out there (about 12, I think). Well, I'm a thrill seeker and I absolutely love coasters, so I was geeked. I got on every single coaster there (plus that Drop thing), but the wooden coasters were absolute trash. I think they had 3 (Grizzly, Hurler and Rebel Yell). I feel like wooden coasters are the truth, but I can't even begin to explain to you the headaches (and possilbe concussion) I received from getting my damn head banged around so much. Shit was not cool. Other than that, my hair getting messed up after every ride and the 110 degree weather, I had a freaking blast. I'm definitely thinking about going to Carowinds in Charlotte, NC for part of my birthday weekend. Since my bday is really close to Halloween, Carowinds turns into "Scarowinds" with like, haunted houses and such. I love Halloween (my fave holiday!). I'm mad at how I'm already thinking about this and my birthday is 3 months away, lol. But hey: Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. I'll probably do Carowinds, a grown-and-sexy dinner, and then go out to an upscale club (you really can't get that upscale in the Durham-Raleigh-Chapel Hill, but I'll see what I can find :) ). I'm mad at how I'm just sittin' on my couch chillin' when I should've taken a shower by now. Honestly, I've been sitting around all day. I had to catch up on sleep from that weekend trip. I did get up and go work out for an hour and a half, so it wasn't a completely useless day. And in a few, I'm going out for a late-night LSAT study session with one of my frat brothers. Oh, how exciting! My goals (to get done by the end of the year) are to lose weight (10 lbs is ideal), stop smoking completely and get my desired score on the LSAT. If I can get a 160, I think I'll have a damn good shot at getting into the law school I'd like to attend (NCCU School of Law). That would be fab-o, considering it's about 5 miles from my apartment! Very convenient. I really don't wanna move outta state for law school, but I will if need be. That's about it for now. I reckon I need to shower...

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 03:11:16 GMT

I am pissed the hell off. I'm disgusted. I come home from a long day, split between the internship, my job and cleaning my old apartment for the next unlucky person. I sit down with my leftover Cold Stone, flipping channels and looking at what I recorded on my DVR. "Ooh," I say. "I recorded Operation Repo. Yay!" Okay, so I didn't say that, but I was pretty excited. So I started to watch the show or whatever. I'm the type of person who researches everything. E-ver-y-thang? E-ver-y-thang. I am a total Wikipedia fiend. So, as I'm watching the show, I "Wikipedia" it. Turns out it's a complete and utter fake. What the fuck, man? I just wanted to see a little bit of real action so I could laugh myself to sleep. The show is scripted, like with actors and stuff. None of the fuckin' repos are real. Man, I was mad as well when Wikipedia told me that. Looks like I'm never watching that show again. And I don't know how I'm gonna break it to my mom, because she loves that show, and I'm pretty sure she still thinks it's real :( Whatever. On to another show. On a brighter note, I'm seriously looking into getting another car. It won't be any time in the immediate future, but I'm looking. I'm kind of against it because, should I get into law school when I apply, I don't wanna have to pay for that and a car note. Sure, people do it all the time, but I like to have as few bills as possible, just in life. I know a lot of law schools don't want their full-time students working more than a certain amount of hours a week. If I get in, I have to work. I mean, how else am I gonna pay my rent? My parents sure as hell can't pay it. I feel like I'm thinking too far in advance, as I haven't even taken the damn LSAT yet. I'm confident I'll get in somewhere though. If I do, I'm gonna have to do the part-time/night law school program or something. I gotta work, feel me? But on to the cars I'm looking at: Honda Accord (2003-2006 version), Nissan Maxima (2005-2007), Mazda 6, Scion coupe, Chevy Cobalt (coupe), and that's all I've looked into thus far. I want a sedan/coupe (I have an SUV now). I wouldn't be trading in my car since it's about paid off, but I would like to have a second vehicle. I love my baby, but it's mad boring. It does get me from point A to point B quite reliably, so no complaints. And when it comes to moving and things like that, it's freaking awesome. Cuts the trips down and such. Let me tell you about something stupid I did last week. Ok, so my last apartment came furnished. I was in there packing up some stuff when these guys from the goodwill came to pick up furniture. They told me a couch, loveseat, desk and entertainment center. I just assumed the apartment complex was moving out all the furniture to either give away or to clean the carpets without hassles. Turns out the dudes came to the wrong apartment complex. They meant to go to the one next door. So they basically came and took furniture from the wrong apartment, and it's probably been sold somewhere or something. I just so happened to look at the sheet they left today, and I was like," Uh...that's not this address, and whose freakin name is this up here?" By this time, it was nearly 10 at night, but I tried anyway to call them, my leasing office, and the dude whose furniture they should've picked up. Now I have some major explaining to do to my leasing office tomorrow. I'll tell you what, I'm not paying for shit. Um, I think that's all I got. My feet hurt, and I gotta get up early tomorrow. Deuces.

What do you think about before you go to sleep?

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 23:25:59 GMT

Either what I'm gonna do the next day, or about a special someone :)

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

OMMFG

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 23:22:14 GMT

Woowwwwwww. I haven't been up here in ages. And for that, I do apologize. It's not like I had anything at all to do after graduation, except working, searching for a new apartment and going to summer school to finish up my second major. Um, let's see. What's happened in the two months since I was last up here? I began my internship, but I started that before my last entry. It's been going very well, and I've had about five items published. I'll have at least three more before the internship ends next month. I really did like it; you know, reporting and writing is what I love. What else? I went to Atlanta in mid-June for the annual "ATL Greek Picnic". Shit was wayyyy too fun, and I'm definitely going back next year. I networked, met a lot of cool people, partied it up and just didn't give a damn for two days. It was like, an adult sleepaway camp or something, lol. Though I plan on going back, I don't plan on doing the whole picnic thing. No Suh. What else? My boo left :( Yes, he departed about a week after I came back from the picnic. He went home to visit his future grad school and visit his family, and he was offered a salaried job (as an athletic coordinator for either the USF football team or USF athletes in general, I can't remember). And the guy that offered him the job also offered to give him a free ride to grad school. So of COURSE he took that. I don't blame him. Sometimes, you just gotta let go, move away and do you. We still talk at least once a week, and I'll be quite ecstatic once he comes back to visit. It's sad that I'm sitting here waiting on him to visit. Like I said eons ago, he's not my boyfriend and I feel like I'm not only waiting on him, but waiting for him. I need to move on. I feel like, although I don't particularly want a relationship with him, I want him to want me. See how selfish I am? He's not that type of dude. I can't even imagine him being in a relationship, lol. But my biggest fear is that, when he does come back to visit, he'll already have a girl. Damn. I really need to move on, but it's extremely difficult. Like, when I started to realize that he was actually leaving me, I could not stop crying. It was pathetic. And I only saw him once before he left. Well, I went to pick him up from the airport after his trip, and I saw him one more time after that. Then that was it. Granted, he was quite busy since he had a little over a week to relocate to a new state. But whatever. I feel like God will make a way. He'll figure it out for me. Maybe he's not what I need in my life and maybe our being apart is good, you know? I know there's no thing too big for me to handle. I just wish I wasn't so intrigued by him. See this, my friends, is why you don't do the whole "cut buddy" thing. It always backfires for @ least one party! I'm just glad he's doing big things with his life, which is awesome. Let's see. What else has happened. I found and moved into a new apartment. It's in a different city, but about 5 damn minutes from the city I was previously in. Cheaper and a helluva lot smaller than my last crib. And it has completely left me broke. My last apartment was furnished, so I didn't have to worry about anything. For this one, I had to buy a LR set, a new bed, you fuckin name it. Good thing it's a one bedroom. I can't do the whole roommate thing anymore, unless my next roommate is my man (i.e. fiance or husband!). Well, I'd make concessions and let my younger sister stay with me because she sticks to herself and keeps the common areas clean. But that's about it. My former roommates were so fuckin nasty, yo. They'd leave dishes in the sink or dishwasher for months (which produced many fruit flies), leave uncovered food out, leave rotting food in the fridge, not take the trash out for weeks (producing more flies). It was more one than the other (I had two), and it damn sure wasn't me. My parents always taught me to clean up after myself because ladies are supposed to be spotless and classy. I guess there was only one lady in the house. What else has happened? Um...the LSAT is September 26, so I need to crack down more. With summer school over, I'll be able to dedicate more time to it. I really don't know what I wanna do anymore. I wanna be a reporter, but I wanna be a lawyer. I guess I can have a job, do some reporting on the side (maybe freelancing? I dunno) and go to law school. I feel like I really need to have as much time as possible for law school, though. I mean, many people have full-time jobs while doing it, but I'm not sure how good they do and shit. I don't even know, man. We shall see. But, that's about it in a nutshell. I'm mad at how summer is almost over and I've only written one entry. But such is life.

I'm Really Pathetic

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:25:18 GMT

Wow. He came to see me. No, on the outside looking in, it’s not that big a deal…but it was to me. I mean, this little “friendship” we have going on is so one-sided in his favor. For instance, I always go to his place, he always eats my food when I bring some over, he always makes the first move [don’t know how favorable that one is, lol], etc. So naturally, when he told me he was in my town [yeah, we live in different towns, like 10 minutes apart], I was very excited. Thinking back on it today, I’m sitting here laughing at myself for fervently trying to clean my already-clean room some more, making sure my bathroom was extra spiffy, hiding weird stuff and pulling on interesting stuff. It was so cute :) But yeah, we chilled outside at first with one of my friends until he got cold and wanted to come inside. He ended up staying only like 10, 15 minutes because he rode with some people and didn’t wanna keep them waiting, but hell, I thought that was awesome enough. I told my home girl that Hell was gonna freeze over because he actually came. And it’s weird because she had been telling me that I need to stop saying “yes” to his invitations to come over and get him to come to my place. I mean, I really had no part in this; it’s not like I said, “Hey, you should come to my place instead of vice versa,” but I’ll take it how I can get it! LMAO. I really hope this “schoolgirl” crush I have on him subsides, because a) everything was smoother and more concise when we didn’t know we were “feeling” each other and b) I’m like a bubbly, giggly nutcase when it comes to him now, ugh! I hate that shit. But like I said in my previous entry, it’s not gonna progress past the “f*ck buddy” stage, sar [that’s “sorry” in lazy terms, lol]. Unless he makes strides to change some of his ways would be the only way I’d even consider it, but I don’t see that happening. For now, I’ll just bask in my lil’ crush mood. As you would know if you've read my previous entries, I just got out of a relationship in January. And although it's been four months, I don't really feel like [or ready to] jump into something with someone. We can chill, cuddle, do whatever, but I don't want a boyfriend. It's the summer, I just got out of college and all I really wanna do is have some fun!

**For clarification's sake: I know a couple entries ago, I mentioned something about a guy I was interested in, who was also interested in me. This is NOT the same guy as the f*ck buddy, lol. For those of you who actually do pay attention to my blog [which is probably just myself and God], had to straighten that out for you. But as for that guy I was interested in, yeah I nipped that in the bud a minute ago. He was gettin' weird on me.

He Caught Feelings First...Now I'm F*cked, Buddy

Fri, 15 May 2009 15:15:54 GMT

**sigh** So I think I'm in a pickle. Over what, you ask? Over the -- dare I say it -- much debated f*ck buddy scenario/situation thing. It's weird because it's been brought up on Xanga a lot over the past month or so, which is about how long I've been dealing with these weird emotions about it. I won't go into much detail because we'd be here all day, just that my "friend" and I started chillin' August of last year, stopped after I began a relationship with someone else, and commenced once that relationship ended. We've been going [at it!] strong since January, and everything had been pretty much excellent until mid-late April. See, he caught feelings first...if my text message memory serves me right. Example A: He and his roommate hosted an after-party at his house one night and I tagged along with my friends. I wasn't really having a good day and I guess he could sense that when I brushed past him without speaking on my way out the door. He automatically assumed my attitude had something to do with the females who were hanging on him all night [side note: he's very attractive, very charismatic and very popular, which can be dangerous!]. He texted me later, "Don't think I was doing something cuz I wasn't, alright?", or something to that extent. I told him my anger had nothing to do with him, because it didn't. Example B: We were "flirtexting" [I guess that's what people call it?] one night and he tried to get me to admit that I liked him. To ease him, I told him I did and asked him if he liked me. He responded with, "Yea, I ain't gonna lie". And that's when stuff changed for real, for real. These two examples happened within like, less than a week of each other [don't know if that matters or not]. The things he's been doing/saying seem to be more heartfelt, I've noticed. For instance, he'll call or text me to check on me, to let me know when he's leaving or entering town, etc., and it wasn't really like that before [or maybe it was and I never noticed it]. Now that he's essentially admitted to liking me, I feel like I might be crushing on him too, which ain't supposed to happen! Like, why did he even admit that shit to me? I'm one of those people who believe that FWBs/f*ck buddies/booty calls absolutely CANNOT and SHOULD NOT become relationship material. Call me old-fashioned, a realist, a whatever, but that's just how I feel. Ok, I will say this: I feel like he would be great boyfriend material, but I just cannot see myself being in a relationship with him. From what I understand, he was [or perhaps still is?] a male whore [which sort of makes me retarded for sleeping with him]. At least, that's what word on the street was when we first started hanging out. I would say to someone who also knew him, "Yeah, I chilled with so-and-so last night" and they'd be like, "Oh, for real? You know he a ho, right?". That's one thing I prided myself on from jump, knowing that I probably wasn't the only one and, not really being "content" with that, but recognizing it and pushing it to the side. Apparently, I might be the only one now. We spend an awful lot of time together for him to be fucking around with someone else, but anything is possible. Trust, dudes will make time to chill with other females if they're feeling them in that way. I guess I can also be proud of myself for holding out and not catching feelings until he did; cause, you know, usually it's the other way around with the female giving in first. Part of me feels like I should end the whole "sex" aspect of it right now and maybe just hang out with him. We've actually done that quite a few times and I enjoyed it, just sitting there watching TV and joking around, not having to worry about who's making the first move or if I'm staying for breakfast, lol. I must admit that I do overanalyze shit, I think too much and I worry wayyyy too much. Honestly, he could've been lying when he said he liked me, he could be saying the same thing to other girls [which is why I brushed it off when he told me] or maybe he doesn't even mean "like" in that sense. Anyway, for those of you out there involved in f*ck buddy situations, UNLESS YOU HAVE NO HEART/SOUL, YOU WILL CATCH FEELINGS! No ifs, ands, or buts about it, I promise you. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, whatever. I never thought it could or would happen to me, now look @ my ass! Tragedy.

CongratZ, c/o 2009!

Sun, 10 May 2009 17:29:05 GMT

Did I really just do that? I don't think I did. Yeah, you say? Well, I guess I'll take your word for it, when you say I JUST GRADUATED FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT CHAPEL HILL! It doesn't even feel real yet. Like, it hasn't sunk in that I have degrees, that I'm not gonna be registering for classes next semester, and getting up to catch the bus before all the other students in my apartment complex take all the seats. I guess you could say I'm sort of emotionless. But you know what? Pretty sure it'll feel all too real when rent starts rolling in and I have to pay light bills, cable bills, etc, lol. But I have at least another 2 months until I have to worry about that, so I'll just enjoy my summer in limbo for the moment :)

2009 National Champs!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 16:41:11 GMT

Yes, so the Tar Heels are officially the NCAA Men's Basketball champs for 2009. It's weird because I've been dreaming about this for the past four years, been asking myself how cool would it be to graduate the year they won another 'ship? And, glory be to God, that dream came true. Maybe I should've asked God if he could line me up some employment post-graduation as well, lol. But that's another story for another day. We were stupid, like we were freshmen year, and went from the Dean Dome all the way to Franklin St. For those of y'all familiar with the Chapel Hill area, that's not a short walk or run. Relating back to frosh year, we ran all the way from around that area to Franklin St. after we beat Dook. "Never again!", I told myself (but at least we didn't run). I saw a bunch of tomfoolery last night: i.e. people jumping over and into the bonfires, people climbing streetlights and roofs, people flashing people, people crowd-surfing on broken-down street signs (that was a first!). And where were the cops? Just posted up on the steps of a nearby church, chillin' HARD. But whatever. I saw a lot of eye candy out there, but I looked a mess anyway. But since I have a "sort-of" boo, so I kept my hands to myself, lmao. Speaking of the boo, things are...well, going with him. I kinda feel like I'm reverting back to my spoiled ways, and he's the type of dude that'll nip that shit in the bud real quick. I'm also at the point where I wanna take things slow. I like him a whole lot, and I don't think I've ever liked someone so quickly, but I'm not tryna put myself out there to be shot down, either. I have my last relationship to thank for my feeling this way, being afraid to be with someone. But I mean, I did just get out of that situation like, three months ago and it's gonna take a little more time, I suppose. He's essentially going through the same thing with his ex-girlfriend that I'm going through with my ex, so we're sort of helping each other through that. But it's obvious that there's a ton of chemistry there (well, that's what folks have told me anway :D ). I've been looking for one-bedroom apartments and I was telling my mom about it today. She was like, "I don't wanna talk about this right now because I get emotional". Aww! I can only imagine what she's going through, because I feel like I'm just growing up. I guess I'll understand it better when I have kids. Speaking of having children, my 16-year-old cousin went into labor about an hour and a half ago. I could shake my head all day and night, but that's my cousin and I love her, irresponsibilities and all. There having a welcome-back celebration thing-thing for the men's bball team @ the Dean Dome (they get back in about 20 minutes), but I think I'm gonna just take it on home. I need to finish this 8-page paper, son. Maybe on the way home, I can find a newspaper, cuz all them thangs is GONE.