| | I don't even know what to feel. I guess that's a lie. I know what I want to feel, but I don't reall know how to get there is a better way of putting it. So...Mr. FWB came back to town this weekend, since it was his alma mater's Homecoming. He told me 2 weeks ago that he'd be here, and I guess it didn't really hit me. He asked me if I was excited to see him, and, being the smart ass that I am, I said no. But as time dwindled, I did sort of get excited. After all, I hadn't seen him in 3 months and hadn't necessarily gotten the closure I was looking for. So we saw each other Thursday, after my tossing and turning and studying and mocha-drinking left me restless. We chilled or whatnot, chatted, watched some TV and headed to bed. He ended up sleeping over til about noon the next day, which was cool with me. What I'm trying to say, in short, is that I'd like to be done with him. I feel like I'm in one of those situations where I wish I'd never gotten involved with him, wish I'd never MET him in a way. Had I not, I wouldn't be on this emotional roller coaster I'm on now. Since he moved away, it's like I think about him nonstop, I yearn to see him, I compare dudes I meet to him...and I'm tired of it. I let it slide at first, thinking it was alright for me to be like that because he did kind of mean something to me. But he's been gone for months, I've seen him, I feel like I've gotten my closure and now I want my mind to be done with him. I want to NOT want him. There we go! That's it right there. And it's funny because I tell myself how much I don't want to be with him and how I'd never be with him if he asked me. See, this entire post goes back to the one I had about "FWBs" and how they never work. And I'm still a firm believer that they don't work. I'm still trying to figure out what it is that he has. I'm sure there's someone out there who looks better (he's gorgeous, however), who has a better personality (he's silly, sarcastic and can hold intellectual conversations like me, btw) and who has this, that and the third over him. But...I've yet to find that combo. Whatever it is that he has has got my mind in some sort of euphoric state. And every time I think of the fact that he's 12 hrs away, I still get sad. When he doesn't immediately return my texts, I get agitated. When he does text, I'm giddy. I'm a staunch believer in "whatever's meant to be, will be" and I'm begging God to like, hurry it up with this situation. I feel like I'm no closer to being over him than I was say, 3 months ago. It's like, as soon as I'm at the edge of being indifferent about him, it starts back at Level One like fucking clockwork. I'm getting to the point where eventually I'm going to get involved with someone else, meet the man of my "dreams" and get married...and still think about his ass. That's my biggest fear. One thing I don't want is for me to think of him as "the one who got away" until the day I die. Maybe my ex was right when he called me "stupid" for going back to him. I guess the heart (or body) wants what it wants... |
| | Posted 9/26/2009 9:23 PM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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